Can all relationships be easy, possible or not possible? Well read on folks to help you decide.
Relationships come in various guises, the relationships with our partners, children, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues etc and so on.
The Scots poet, Robert Burns wrote in the 18th century:
’Oh that God the gift would guie us (give us),
To see oursels (ourselves) as ithers see us.’
Translated, it means if only God would give us the ability to see ourselves as others see us. Most disagreements in life occur due to misunderstandings, misinterpretations and miscommunication. So if that was the case, would it then be the end of tedious misunderstandings and conflict in life? If we could understand each other better, would it prevent arguments, wars and strife so that humanity could live in peace?
When we don’t see eye to eye with other people, what is really going on? Is it that they cannot understand us, or us, who cannot understand them? Do we need to understand them? Do we want to be able to understand them?
Trying to understand them, when we feel aggrieved, can make us very reluctant and even uncomfortable. That is because in all of us there is a fear of letting go, fear of looking wrong, weak, and vulnerable. By letting go we would need to feel our pain, hurt and rejection even more. By holding our ground and maintaining our stance, on any given dispute, we are actually PROTECTING ourselves from more hurt. We have all experienced the need to feel we are right. In control becomes the overriding behavioural pattern.
And in return, the more we resist looking at things another way, the more the behaviour pattern persists in that other person. The reality is, they are just as determined as us to protect themselves from pain, hurt and rejection. Why shouldn’t they be? They don’t want to look or feel wrong, weak or vulnerable either. And so they resist us.
“What we resist persists in life”. That’s the law of attraction. All our behaviour is a result of our emotions. There are positive emotions like Courage, Acceptance and Peace. All these result in a feeling of Love. Then there are the negative emotions we all carry too; Apathy, Grief, Fear, Lust, Anger and Pride. These result in discontentment, stress and unhappiness.
When I discovered this some years ago it turned my relationships and my life around. Until then, I had always thought arguments and conflict came from rights and wrongs, good or bad, winning or losing in life. I was wrong.
They were all the surface patterns. Results based on an underlying and often hidden emotion I ran at that time. In the case of strife (negative emotions) the thoughts and actions were the result of the emotions and feelings I ran at the time. Take a dispute or stand-off situation for example; in every case there is one of the following: Apathy, Grief, Fear, Lust, Anger or Pride in both parties, during the dispute.
So if person A is in anger or pride, however justified they may feel- person B can take a stance of fear. Both are in “SELF PROTECTION MODE” It does not matter who is right or wrong or who is telling the truth or lies. Everyone finds their protection or survival mode and uses it just as nature intended. The challenge is that we don’t always realise why. Which can be the very situation aggravating the problem in the first place. Most of us have an inherent desire to live peacefully with others. What we don’t necessarily realise is that the underlying negative emotion can drive us to the contrary.
This is why the person arguing or carrying aggression creates conflict for themselves and provokes the other person into fear and differences.
Person B may feel insecure, vulnerable and downtrodden in life and can attract someone who will take advantage of them, hurt them, use them and even abuse them. In this case person A who is the aggressor. In both cases the underlying negative emotion is driving the behaviour, which drives the situation, which drives the result – in this case conflict.
Both are protecting their stories because each is protecting their interests driven by an underlying negative emotion (or self limiting belief) usually fear, anger or grief. Neither need be aware, therefore neither can unlock their opinion of the situations. They both feel right, justified and determined to hold their ground. Who can blame them? They are only protecting their right to defend and protect themselves.
But here is the good news folks! By tackling the emotions that drive us, we can totally transform any given dispute or situation because, by addressing our emotional drivers we unravel our subsequent behaviour. When we do this we change our energy around the situation.
When this happens, the law of attraction will begin to dissolve the apparent stance too. So, in effect by looking at our own behaviour pattern we can resolve the conflict to our advantage without requiring as much from the other person as we first thought.
We, in turn, are releasing any anger, frustration or stress that we are carrying, which is healthy for us too. It does not mean we were wrong and they were right. It does not mean we have given into them. Nor does it mean they will take advantage of us if we relax out stance. In fact it is quite the contrary.
What it does mean is that by being willing to look at our emotional drivers, we will get the outcome we desired and it is quicker and easier than you could have imagined. It’s because when WE CHANGE, they can only change. And the confrontation subsides, if not disintegrates.
- It does not make us weaker – it makes us stronger.
- It does not make us feel deflated- it frees us to make us feel happier.
- It does not make us more vulnerable- it makes us less likely to feel attached
Positive outweighs negative, courage outweighs fear, love triumphs over hate
It is the greatest gift you could give yourself, becoming aware of your emotional drivers. Managing our emotions can be easy. That is why your relationships can be easy. This, in turn means your life can be easy.
Make your life easy in every way you can because you deserve nothing less.
