Recently I worked with a client who was dealing with an issue of disappointment. This disappointment was with situations he had experienced, feeling let down by other people and within himself.
Interestingly it wasn’t the feelings of disappointment that were holding him back, it was the fact he wasn’t recognising this negative emotion. In fact he hadn’t been recognising it for most of his life. You see, John had been a master at avoiding feeling disappointment because he could convince himself it was not there. Why, well there was a perfectly understandable reason.
To do so would have left him feeling negative or critical of others; something he was not comfortable with.
Disappointment is what we feel when our hopes and plans don’t materialise; or, when others don’t come up to our expectations. Now when this happens we all deal with disappointment differently. We can either;
a) Acknowledge it and let it go
b) Hold onto it, usually because we feel justifiably let down
c) Avoid acknowledging it altogether, pretend it isn’t there, in other words suppress it
This is what my client John was doing. You see he was a natural, positive and optimistic guy. He rarely spent time feeling disappointed with situations or people in his life. In his mind feeling disappointed was pointless, time wasting and painful. He thought, “Who wants to have to endure that if it can be avoided?”
So throughout his life he became a master at always seeing the bright side of every situation. This kept him feeling ‘positive’ or so it seemed. He wouldn’t allow setbacks and others’ failings’ to get him down.
Through working with me he discovered;
a) He didn’t wish to feel disappointed….remember this was, ’pointless’ time wasting and painful.’
b) He’d rather not see the negative in situations and other people as this made him feel guilty.
c) He didn’t want to feel disappointed in himself for not seeing the situation coming.
Let’s go back to the point I made earlier, the third option of suppressing disappointment. I often share with my client’s that suppression (of a feeling) can lead to depression. In other words it takes energy to suppress and ignore something because we are subconsciously avoiding the pain.
Well, “So what?” you may ask. Well here’s the downside: when we suppress we use up our natural energy. The more energy we spend suppressing the more frustration can set in. This can all happen subconsciously. So when the frustration sets in (a milder form of anger) we feel agitated, upset or even stressed.
Why? All because we are subconsciously avoiding disappointment. We think that if we avoid feeling the pain of disappointment we are protecting ourselves from pain. When in fact we are evoking frustration and anger within ourselves without necessarily realising it.
So what’s the answer?
By accepting and understanding that disappointment is a natural occurrence in life, helps us to face it head on and feel it anyway. The job we didn’t get, the family member that said something hurtful, the friend that let us down etc.
By feeling the disappointment anyway, we can let it go and be free of the ‘pain’. By pretending it doesn’t exist can lead to anger or depression which gives us pain anyway.
The biggest disappointment of all is when we try to avoid facing the disappointment with ourselves, within ourselves. We may be feeling disappointed with others in the first place, as was John’s experience. Many people don’t want to feel bad towards others because it makes them feel guilty.
Solution?
Once we give ourselves permission to feel disappointed in life’s situations, other people’s failings and our own ‘mistakes’, we can be free of them altogether and learn from them.
‘Don’t fear mistakes, there are none.’ Myles Davies
In other words, it is all constructive learning.
This was a hugely beneficial and negative pattern for John to crack. His confidence rose, his ability to perform was sharper and generally he now feels a lot lighter within himself.
Another satisfied customer at PS Life Can Be Easy and a chance to share this gem of information with you, whether it’s for you or others, I hope you find it useful.
Have a great week
